Diablo II Interviews
by Magus Philip
Summary: Magus, Brad, and Jon interview the cast of Diablo!
1. The Lord of Terror

Magus: MuwaeheyaehlaeyHEYEHAOAEHEYEAHEYAhayaehaeyeahyaeahaaa!!!!  
  
Jon: *sigh* We haven't even started the interview and he's already in seizures...  
  
Brad: Why, oh why, did I agree to do these interviews?  
  
Magus: Because you're not really here. This is a fictional interview, remember?  
  
Brad: Ah, right.  
  
Magus: And watch what ya say or, my word, I'll banish you back to Non Existence!  
  
Jon: *flashes Anime at Magus*  
  
Magus: GAH!  
* Magus flees in horror  
  
Brad: Now, our first interview is with the Man himself, Diablo!  
  
Diablo: Not even death can save you from me... *slashes at Brad*  
  
Brad: HEY!  
  
Diablo: Oh sorry, habit  
  
Jon: First question... how does it feel to be the youngest of the Prime Evils?  
  
Diablo: Man you have no idea how bad it is. The others are CONSTANTLY bossing me around. "Go take over Tristram!" "Go send forth your terror into hell!" "Go clean your room!" Pah! Ticks me off it does  
  
Jon: I see... How does it feel to be the "main" villain? I mean, the game series is named after you!   
  
Diablo: Well the good part is I get all the royalties... the only downside is every time some slack-jawed wannabe yokel with delusions of granduer comes stomping into Hell, who do they come after? ME! Do they go after our leader? Do they take on that conniving worm! NO! They try to kill ME! I had to start decorating the Chaos Sanctuary with all their friggin' skulls just to find someplace to PUT them GOD it is SO ANNOYING! *hurls Red Lightning at a guy who is at that moment attacking him with a sword*  
  
Jon: *whispers to Brad* I think he has problems.  
  
Brad: He's a product of Blizzard, what did you expect?  
  
* Magus walks back in  
Magus: Hey everybody! Tea?  
  
Diablo: Oooo do you have Snapple?  
  
Jon: Uh, no.  
  
Diablo: ....  
  
Magus: Hey I got a question!  
* Magus steps in  
  
* Jon waves the Anime threateningly.  
  
Magus: What is with your image in the 3D movie? I mean, your in-game sprite looks cool as hell, but in the movie you look like some dumb red dinosaur  
  
Diablo: Well, you have to remember that the movie you see is me a few weeks earlier... After feasting on the flesh of a few hundred of Baal's succubi (I caught hell for that afterwards too...) I contacted what'sherface and started working out to lose weight.  
  
Jon: .....  
  
Brad: Those poor Succubi...  
  
* Magus whispers to Jon  
Magus: THIS guy is the all powerful Lord of Terror?  
  
Jon: Well, it could be worse. We could be interviewing that Hero Fetish Witch Doctor.  
  
Magus: Ewwww don't even joke about that  
  
*suddenly Diablo's cell phone rings*  
Diablo: Hang on this might be important... *picks it up* Hello? *voices heard on the other end* WAAAZZZAAAAPPP... *a pause* EEEEHHHH...  
  
Jon: *bashes the cell phone to pieces* We'll have none of that!!  
  
Diablo: *laughing so hard he's crying* Oh man I love that commercial  
  
* Jon whispers to Magus  
Jon: Who's idea was it to interview him first?  
  
* Magus whispers back  
Magus: YOURS!  
  
* Jon glues the Anime to Magus' face.  
  
Magus: GAAAHHHHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF  
* Magus runs around like a maniac and runs right into Diablo  
  
Brad: So, Diablo... well, who named you Diablo? Why aren't you Lucifer? Or Satan?  
  
Diablo: *tossing Magus into a pit of Hell* Well, see, there they were, the big wigs at Blizzard, trying to figure out my name...  
  
Bill Roper: So... I think we should call him Diablo  
  
Metzen: No you idiot! It has to be Lucifer! ALL POWERFUL LORD OF HELL AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!  
* Metzen sprays goat blood on himself  
  
Bill Roper: .....  
  
Jon: .....  
  
Brad: .....  
  
Grand Admiral Ronin: ....!  
  
Diablo: So anyways I think they flipped a coin. Besides, Diablo sounds so much cooler then those other dumb names  
  
Jon: Interesting. WELL, I'm afraid that's all the time we have today...  
  
Magus: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!!  
* Magus is drowning in one of the lava pits, surrounded by Corpulents  
  
Jon: You go get Magus.  
  
Brad: No!  
  
Jon: Why?!  
  
Magus: Heeeeeeeelp!!  
  
Brad: He's YOUR friend.  
  
Jon: Well, he's kind of your friend too!  
  
Brad: You've known him longer!  
  
* Corpulents chuckle evilly  
  
Jon: You're stronger than I am!  
  
* the Corpulents start eating Magus  
  
Magus: GAAAAHHHHAHAH!!  
  
Censor: I'm sorry but the next ten minutes are censored due to graphic violence.  
  
* Magus is heard screaming horribly in the background  
  
* ten minutes later  
  
  
Brad: Well, that was... interesting.  
  
Jon: Stay tuned next week, when we interview Baal, Lord of Destruction!  
  
Brad: We promise Magus will be back.  
  
Jon: In one piece.  
  
Diablo: Bud... weis... er...  
  
Diablo: Ha ha I love those guys They're geniuses with commercials...  
  
Jon: Cut!!  
  
  
All the Diablo references are of course copyrighted by Blizzard. THe bud references are copyrighted by them. The GA Ronin joke is copyrighted by us. Everything else is ours. Nya! Copyrighted! 


	2. The Lord of Destruction

  
Magus: Muwa ha ha... welcome to another installment of the Diablo Interviews! Normally Jon and Brad would be here introducing this too, but I tied and gagged them for leaving me to rot in Hell last interview!  
  
*cuts to a shot of Jon and Brad, tied and gagged*  
  
Jon: MWELP MWELP  
  
Brad: MWPHPWMEMEPWPWWPPW  
  
Magus: *chuckles evilly*  
  
Pablo: Mwo mwe're mwis mweek's mwo-mwosts...  
  
Peggy: Mwa mwa mwa...  
  
Magus: *shoots the cats* Anywho, our first interviewee is none other then the geekie--erm I mean SMARTEST man in all of Hell... Lord of Destruction... Master of his own sucky expansion pack... BAAAAAAL!!!  
  
Baal: I'm afraid your introduction... is not acceptable... heh heh heh...  
  
Magus: Oh will you stop?  
  
Baal: UwahahahHAHAHAHAHAhahaha!!!  
  
Magus: Okay first question... What's it like to have a half-rate, sucky expansion and pathetic character development in place of what had great potential and be removed from, arguably, the coolest character to the dumbest?  
  
Baal: Well, it's somewhat degrading. But let's face it. I have the coolest FMV in the entire series! You didn't see Mephisto or Diablo being carried around on a throne! HA! I command RESPECT!  
  
Magus: Right right... next question, what the HELL is up with the lisp?  
  
Baal: I was drunk that day.  
  
Magus: Right... Next question... What's up with the outfit? Or... form... or whatever... I mean, you looked so cool in the Act II FMV, and then... yeesh  
  
Baal: Well, Tal Rasha kind of fell apart. So, I took my original form.  
  
Magus: I see...  
  
*meanwhile, Brad and Jon have broken out of their gags*  
  
Baal: I look cooler anyway.  
  
Jon: GET HIM!!!  
  
Magus: Oh bloody hell. *runs like a little school girl*  
  
Brad: *tackles Magus*  
  
Baal: Hell isn't all that bloody...  
  
Mephisto: That's what YOU think  
  
Baal: This is MY interview! Get out!  
  
Mephisto: No fair, why do I have to go last?! I'm the eldest! The smartest! I mean look at my D&D stats, my INT and WIS are DOUBLE yours!  
  
Baal: Just because you composed that dumb speech doesn't mean anything! You recited the same exact speech in front of the Horadrim three eons ago!  
  
Mephisto: It was a good speech!  
  
Baal: It was over-used! You're just jealous that the expansion was dedicated to ME!  
  
Mephisto: You mean that PoS crappy sucky one that had paltry graphics, no storyline, idiotic FMV's, horrible voice acting, that GOD awful laugh, and the stupidest ending in the history of existence?!  
  
Baal: DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY LAUGH!!! Your laugh sucks!  
  
Mephisto: GRAH! *lunges at Baal*  
  
Baal: *in Meph-like voice* I have escaped you, uwahaha!! *skitters away*  
  
Magus: Um, guys... GUYS... The interview... YO!  
  
Jon: Kick him in his teeth!  
  
Brad: *WHAM*  
  
Magus: OW OW OW!!  
  
Censor: Hello again... A censor's job is never done... *puts a black box over the camera*  
  
Jon: That's all the time we have for this week... stay tuned for our next show, where we'll be interviewing the Lord of Hatred, Mephisto!  
  
Mephisto: Your mother!  
  
Baal: Your sister!  
  
Mephisto: Rot in hell!  
  
Baal: Rot in HEAVEN!  
  
Mephisto: NO!  
  
  
Everything in here is copyrighted by Blizzard or us or someone else. Blah blah blah. 


	3. Lord of Hatred, Mr. Hell of 2001!

Jon: And welcome to another week of Diablo II Interviews. Magus is busy getting reconstructive surgery done, so he's not with us today.  
  
Brad: Today's guest is the eldest Prime Evil, the Lord of Hatred, Mephisto!  
  
*camera fixes in on Meph*  
  
Peggy: Mwand Mwi'm mwere mwo mweprace Mwagus!  
  
Jon: No one cares about you, Peggy. *flings her off screen by the tail*  
  
Peggy: MRROOOOWWWW--*crash*  
  
Mephisto: It's great to be here, thank you.  
  
Brad: What's it like being the eldest Prime Evil?  
  
Mephisto: Oh it's great, I love it... I get to boss everyone around, and I get to write off ALL of Hell's residents as tax write-offs! They actually pay ME each year! It's great.  
  
Jon: Do you feel slighted that the "Diablo" series did not center around you?  
  
Mephisto: Nah, anyone who actually, ya know, PAYS ATTENTION to the story knows that I'm the crux of the entire story. Diablo is just the little guy who runs around killing stuff.  
  
Jon: Uh... how are YOU the crux of the entire story?  
  
Mephisto: *stabs Jon* The story centers around ME dammit! I am in charge!!  
  
Jon: Gyaaahh...  
  
Mephisto: I AM THE ULTIMATE CHARACTER AAHAHHAHAHA!!!  
  
Brad: Uh, yes, right.  
  
*Mephisto starts frothing at the mouth cavity*  
  
Jon: How do you... feel about your name being taken... from Christopher Marlowe's play, "Doctor Faustus"?  
  
Mephisto: *stabs Jon again* That little halfwit was nothing compared to me! HE stole the name from me! I have always existed! I am eternal! ENDLESS!  
  
Jon: Brad... call... 9... 11... *thud*  
  
Brad: Uh... so... Meph...  
  
Mephisto: LweheyehaeHEYAHEYEAHEyeheyeaeheyhaaaaa!!!!  
  
Brad: *whispers* His laugh really does suck...  
  
Mephisto: *stabs Brad* My laugh is TEN TIMES better than anyone else's! DO not question me! I AM GOD! YOU HEAR ME?! GOD!!!!  
  
*Plif walks onto the studio*  
Plif: I beg to differ.  
  
Mephisto: *stabs Plif* Now I'M asking the questions! AHAHAH!! *impales Brad on one of his hands* So, Brad, what's it like to be moments away from death?  
  
Brad: *fumbles for 911 on Speed Dial*  
  
Jon: Guuuu... *hits a button*  
  
*sirens are heard in the distance*  
  
Mephisto: *tosses Brad away* Muwa ha ha... that's all the time we have for this interview, folks! But stay tuned next week, when I'll be interviewing the Lesser Evils! Ciao!  
  
Magus: *walking in in a cast* Hi everyone. Did I miss anything?  
  
Magus: No... SIRENS!  
  
Magus: *shoves Mephisto into a suitcase and leaps in front of an oncoming car*  
  
*fin*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*some kid walks in*  
  
Kid: Man U n00bs U sux!  
  
Magus: What'd he say?  
  
Jon: He said 'man you newbies you suck'  
  
Magus: Ah right... I can never understand that leet speak...  
  
  
  
  
DII references copyrighted by Blizzard, the rest by us, et cetera et cetera. 


	4. Forgive me, Tyreal... Forgive me...

Jon: And welcome once again to the Diablo II Interviews. Through the miracle of   
FanFiction, we're interviewing Marius today!  
  
Magus: Ain't fiction great?  
  
*camera moves to Marius, who is visible shaking and doing other paranoid like   
things*  
  
Marius: Noo... nooooo no stay away... I didn't do it... didn't do... anything...  
  
Jon: Indeed it is! Oh, and Brad won't be here... he's still recovered from being   
impaled by Mephisto.  
  
*camera goes to Brad laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to dozens of machines*  
  
Jon: Hang in there, buddy!  
  
Jon: Now, Mr. Marius...  
  
Magus: I was beginning to think you were trying to avoid me, Marius...  
  
Marius: No... you... it's you... I recognize you... that dumb necro that killed   
Diablo...  
  
Magus: Dumb?!  
  
Jon: *waves the Anime threateningly at Magus*  
  
Jon: Now, Marius, how is that you... came by Diablo?  
  
Marius: Noo.. nooo... *claws at his face* The voices... they told me... Diablo   
he... he was there... no... the WANDERER... yeeesss... wanderer... wandering   
aaaaaallways wandering... the stone in his head... like a demon's curse...  
  
Jon: *whispers* He related to YOU, by any chance...  
  
Magus: Shut up!  
  
Magus: *ahem* Uh, Marius... why did you doom the entire planet by thinking Baal   
was Tyreal?  
  
Marius: Nooo... nooooo noooooooooooooo I didn't I didn't mean to it wasn't it   
couldn't happen nooo whaaat what did I do to deserve thiiis nooo noooooo *curls   
up into a ball and starts whimpering* Nooo please eeeend this please just eend   
it...  
  
Jon: You aren't HELPING, Magus.  
  
Magus: I was just asking a question...  
  
Jon: *flashes the Anime at Magus*  
  
Jon: Now, Marius... tell us about your life prior meeting the Lord of Terror.  
  
Marius: I was a drunken man... taken down to the depths of the catacombs... and   
there I met... t...the... the Butcher... a hideous, evil, EVIL demon... he... he   
slaughtered them all... it... ah... aaahhh the screeeeeams...  
  
Jon: Em...  
  
Magus: *glances at Jon* Maybe we should get Brad to ask questions.  
  
*camera switches to Brad's room in the hospital*  
  
Brad: Gyaaaahhhhh... *drools*  
  
*camera switches back*  
  
Jon: How about your childhood?  
  
Marius: Nooo... nooo the lord... the Lord of Hatred... he... he corrupted them   
all... killed... horriible... I alone escaped...  
  
Jon: What about Mephisto?  
  
Magus: Give me the stone, Marius, and all is forgiven...  
  
Marius: *looks at Magus with wide eyes*  
  
Jon: *staples the Anime to Magus' face*  
  
Jon: You'll have to excuse Magus, Marius...  
  
Magus: OW  
  
Magus: *ripping it off* Yeesh, try to have a little fun...  
  
Jon: You're torturing the poor invalid!  
  
Marius: T...the Lord... of... of... *starts sobbing* of Hatred... he... he   
showed them all.. the most unspeakable things... they went mad, and I too... I   
alone escaped his horrible condemnation...  
  
Jon: This sounds like a plot twist...  
  
*suddenly, Roper enters, flanked by Grunts*  
  
Marius: It.... it... it was... DEFILER PORN!!  
  
Roper: STOP! The plot twist herein will not be set free... even by YOU!  
  
Jon: Oh hell.  
  
Roper: *orders the Grunts to snag Jon, who then throw him over a nearby bridge*  
  
Jon: GACK!!  
  
Magus: There there... you didn't do wrong, old man. You did exactly as you were   
supposed to...  
  
*Jon manages to crawl up, only to taken by another Grunt and hurled across the   
room*  
  
Jon: OW!!  
  
*suddenly, the studio doors are flung wide open, revealing Brad and dozens of   
instruments*  
  
Jon: Uh, Brad?  
  
Brad: Greeyhaaa... reegaaaa...  
  
Magus: Give me the stone and all is forgiven, Marius...  
  
*Brad trails in several instruments, one which is sticking out of his chest*  
  
Magus: What on EARTH  
  
Jon: I think he escaped from the hospital...  
  
Marius: *crawls over to Brad*  
  
Magus: No! Don't do it!!  
  
Marius: *pulls the instrument out of Brad's chest*  
  
Roper: YOU FOOL!! You have just ensured the doom of this interview! You cannot   
begun to imagine what you've set in motion this day!  
  
Magus: *shoots Roper in the face*  
  
Roper: Gyaaaaahhhhh *gurgle gurgle*  
  
Jon: Why didn't we just interview the Dragonball Z people like I WANTED TO.  
  
Magus: Because the DBZ people kept beating the crap out of each other and never   
answered our questions.  
  
Jon: *SIGH*  
  
Magus: *steals several of Brad's wires and attaches them to his arm* And now,   
Marius, to receive your reward... *lets them dangle out his sleeve* MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Marius: No... nooooo noooooooooooooooo  
  
Jon: ..........Well, that's all for this week! Come back next time when we'll be   
interviewing the Archangel Tyrael!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jon:.... they gone?  
  
Magus: Yeah.  
  
Jon: Okay. I'll write this one up now.  
  
Magus: Alright Be sure to do it TXT format... the site won't accept DOC's... fools...  
Jon: I shall, my son... Then we shall do... TYRAEL...  
Magus: I get to do Tyreal's responses :P I want to make him a bloodthirsty killer  
Jon: No :P  
Magus: Aw come on  
Jon: You did that with Meph!  
Magus: Meph IS a bloodthirsty killer you nut! Didn't you see the Durance of Hate?!  
Jon: Excellent place... I love the way the light fell everso delicately on the festering corpses...  
Magus: .....  
Tyreal: KILL KILL KILL!! ANNIHILATE! ANNIHILATE!  
Magus: Wait, is this thing still running? *taps the mic*  
Jon: Oh hell... wait here I got it---*click*  
  
  
  
*EXT COPYRIGHTS HERE* 


	5. FOOL! You have just ensured the doom of ...

Jon: We're back! Yes, after over a year's hiatus, we're back for more Diablo II interviews!  
  
Magus: In order to ensure a reasonable amount of hilarity, I've taken the liberty of spiking Jon's tea with some Everclear  
  
Jon: ...which I've given to Brad.  
  
Magus: ...crap  
  
Brad: Ohhhhhhh my frickin' heeeeeead I'm so WAASTEEED!!!  
  
Jon: In any case, today we are interviewing the Archangel Tyrael.  
  
Magus: Tyreal, glad you could make it, how was the trip?  
  
Tyrael: Greetings, Interviewers. I am the Archangel Tyrael. I am glad to see you, but I was hoping to see you sooner...  
  
Magus: Sooner?  
  
Tyrael: Well, it DID take you over a YEAR to get to my interview.  
  
Magus: Well we were kind of busy--  
  
Brad: AAAHHH MY DICK'S ON FIIIREEEE!!!  
  
Magus: *WHAM*  
  
Brad: *flying out the window* mmmmmmyyyyyyyYYYYYY DIIIIIIICCCCCCK!!!! *CRASH*  
  
Magus: *hurls Brad out a window*  
  
Jon: I could have put that fire out...  
  
Magus: JON! We're recording here!  
  
Jon: So?  
  
Magus: So we can only be rated PG! Now, ahem, Tyreal... what's it like dooming the world to be destroyed at the end of Lord of Destruction?  
  
Tyrael: Eh. Roper and the crew needed a quick million to sate their crack addiction, so they churned out that Expansion.  
  
Magus: I see...  
  
Tyrael: Yeah, it was pretty pathetic. If you listened closely, the "magic" I mutter in the ending sequence is me going, "Why did I ever agree to this..."  
  
Magus: Um, we hear reference in the games that you're something of a rebel in Heaven. Tell us about that  
  
Tyrael: See, God really doesn't care about any of ya.  
  
Tyrael: He's kind of like Lord Ao... from the Forgotten Realm(tm) Expansion to the regular Dungeons and Dragons(tm) campaign setting. Available from any local booksellers.  
  
Magus: Hey now, no plugs!  
  
Tyrael: Anyway, there's a bunch of Angels, much like the Gods from the Forgotten Realms(tm) and they more or less don't care about humanity either.  
  
Tyrael: Personally, I don't see the point letting an entire world go straight to Hell-no pun intended-so I decided to help humanity.  
  
Magus: Very kind of you... tell us, what's up with the wings?  
  
Tyrael: Sadly, Blizzard's video person snorted some bad heorin the day he managed to make the ending sequence, so my wings looked... odd.  
  
Jon: I loved you in the Act III FMV...  
  
Magus: *firmly points to the PG rating sticker in the corner*  
  
Jon: I meant his ACTING, you pervert!  
  
Magus: Suuuure ya did ya bleedin' whore!  
  
Magus: I bet you... what's that noise..?  
  
Jon: Look who's calling who a whore-what?  
  
Brad: *busts in the door and hurls acid on everyone*  
  
Jon: Thank God for my +5 Cloak of Acid Resistance(tm)!  
  
Magus: *melting* GLEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHHHheaaa...heey, I just lost sixty pounds!  
*Magus wanders off to admire his new skeletal look*  
  
Jon: So, Tyrael, how's Raziel?  
  
Rociel: *pokes in* Someone call me?  
  
Jon: No... NO...  
  
Tyrael: Rociel... my ancient nemesis...  
  
Rociel: Sorry I'm off to a beauty parlor... they tell me they can actually make me look like a man *he wanders off*  
  
Tyrael: I BOINKED YER TWIN SISTER!!!  
  
Jon: ...  
  
Andariel: Actually that was me in a disguise  
  
Jon: Okay, that's just sick.  
  
Andariel: I was faking too...  
  
Tyrael: But... my piece is-  
  
Jon: SHADDAP!  
  
Magus: *comes back* Great news, I just made ten million dollars off my new acid weight loss program!  
  
Jon: Really?  
  
Brad: It was MY idea!  
  
Magus: You're drunk! *smacks Brad into NonExistence*  
  
Tyrael: I was great in bed! I'm a fuggin' Archangel, I-STOP! The alcohol herein will not be consumed... even by YOU. *graples Magus with his wings*  
  
Magus: FOOL! *sets off a bomb, sending Tyreal flying downwards*  
  
*in Hell*  
  
Mephisto: Hmmm hm hm... *polishing the Gates* I just love keeping these things all sparkly and cl--  
  
Tyrael: aaaaaaaAAAAAHHHHH--*WHAMWHAMWHAM*  
  
Mephisto: --ean... *watches Tyreal sail through the Gates* Goddammit!  
  
God: *holding a hand-puppet* Look at me! I'm Mephisto! I polish the Gates of Hell!  
  
*back up top*  
  
Magus: So what's the word on Worlds of Warcraft? I hear the release date is in a couple months.  
  
Jon: Who cares? Blizzard sucks.  
  
Tyreal: I heard that...  
  
Jon: Yeah, they suck more than I do.  
  
*several uniformed men, lead by Bill Roper, are stealthily advancing on Jon*  
  
Magus: Uh... yeah... *backs away from Jon*  
  
Jon: Fools... do you know who you are dealing with...  
  
*the men all attack Jon*  
  
Jon: *they're all blasted back by Jon's magical attack*  
  
Magus: No... NO...  
  
Tyreal: Wasn't this supposed to be an interview? For me?  
  
Magus: Shut up!  
  
Jon: I am... *rips off his mask* ELMINSTER...  
  
Magus: Sadly for you... *rips off his mask*  
  
Asmodeus: Time to die, puny worm...  
  
Shar: TAKE ME AHAHAHHAHHA *humps Asmodeus silly*  
  
Asmodeus: PG! THIS IS PG DAMMIT!!!  
  
Censor: Nah, we've moved the show to Showtime.  
  
Asmodeus: HELL YEAH! ...er, no pun intended. *drags Selune in and does both of them*  
  
Jon: Well, this interview HAS gone to... well, Hell.  
  
Tyreal: *sniffle* This was going to be my ten minutes of fame... Instead this is my ten minutes of PORN! You PERVERTS!  
  
Jon: Oh, boo hoo.  
  
Tyreal: *grabs Jon and sends him hurtling to Hell*  
  
*Hell*  
  
Mephisto: *hammering the Gate back up* Phew, finally done...  
  
Jon: aaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHH-*WHAMWHAMWHAM*  
  
Mephisto: ....  
  
Magus: That's all the time we have for this week! Stay tuned for our next batch of interviews... tentatively titled The Interviews III: Morrowind.  
  
Pookie: *meep*  
  
Magus: And I promise we'll be PG next time. Honest.  
  
  
*fin* 


	6. Come, readers! Friends or traitors, come...

*cue: Opening Morrowind Intro*  
  
*flash on screen: INTERVIEWS II: MORROWIND*  
*fade into the studio, which is actually Vivec's Room*  
*Jon and Magus, dressed in Extravagant Robes*  
  
Vivec: ROLL THE DICE TO SEE IF I'M GETTING DRUNK!  
  
Jon: This isn't your interview!  
  
Vivec: WHERE'S THE CHEETOS!?  
  
Jon: *hurls him out a window*  
  
Magus: Ahem. We have a very special guest with us today...  
  
Dagoth's Voice: *echoes in the chamber* COME, interviewers! Friends or traitors, come! Come and look upon the heart of the sound studio....... and bring donuts. I have need of them.  
  
Jon: *sighs* Yes, our first Morrowind interview is with none other than Voryn Dagoth... or Dagoth Ur.  
  
Dagoth: *bursts out from behind a curtain* Ta-dah!  
  
Dagoth: I am... GOD...  
  
Magus: Wait, where's Brad?  
  
Jon: Well, he hasn't played Morrowind...  
  
*elsewhere*  
Brad: Oh yes Ghost, touch me right there...  
*back in the studio*  
  
Dagoth: *admiring his hands*  
  
Jon: So, Dagoth... what happened under Red Mountain while you guarded Kagrenac's Tools?  
  
Dagoth: Oh nothing much. Couple wild parties, some kegs, an orgy or two.  
  
Jon: ...and that forced you to not give up the Tools to Nerevar?  
  
Dagoth: Nerawho?  
  
Jon: Nerevar Indoril...  
  
Dagoth: ohhh right him him, he's my moon and star. Great bud  
  
Magus: *whispers to Jon* Great idea, interview Dagoth...  
  
Jon: No, this was YOUR idea.  
  
Magus: BS, I wanted to interview Almexia!  
  
Jon: That's Almalexia!  
  
Magus: Whatever!  
  
Dagoth: What fools you both are... I'm a god! How can you interview a god!?  
  
Magus: Stop! STOP! I'm not letting another interview get out of hand!  
  
*Magus jams his hand down on a huge Rewind button*  
  
*cue: Flashy effects*  
  
Dagoth: So like I was saying, like, I'm a god and you should bow to me  
  
Jon: Sorry, I serve Raziel...  
  
Dagoth: Fool...  
  
Magus: *interjecting quickly* So tell me Dagoth, why do you run around in a loincloth and indian mask?  
  
Dagoth: Oh, it was the latest rage back when Neradude left me down here. I haven't changed in a century or so...  
  
Magus: And here I thought Jon let one  
  
Jon: We should have interviewed Azura.  
  
Magus: Um, Azura's... 'busy'...  
  
*elsewhere*  
Vivec: Give it to me... GIVE IT TO ME OH GOD YES!!!  
*back in the studio*  
  
Jon: So... Dagoth... uh... you ask him a question, Magus.  
  
Magus: Uh... Dagoth, uh...  
  
*long pause*  
  
Magus: Will you kill Jon?  
  
Dagoth: Sure! *hurls fireballs*  
  
Dagoth is casting a spell!  
Dagoth hits YOU with Wrath of Dagoth for 819 points of fire damage!  
Dagoth burns YOU with Wrath of Dagoth for 3,182 points of fire damage!!  
Dagoth sears YOU with Flatulence of Dagoth for 8,381,238,193 points of acid damage!!!  
YOU have DIED  
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT  
  
Jon tells you: Uh, hey Mags, could you grab my corpse?  
  
Magus tells Jon: What are you nuts? You've got two trains camping it now  
  
Jon tells you: Come on please? I lost my +8 wand  
  
Magus tells Jon: Later later...  
  
Vivec: Heya Mags.  
  
Magus: Heya...  
  
Vivec: Why are you level 32?  
  
Magus: Uh, what? I am, gosh, wow...  
  
Vivec: This interview's only been up for a couple minutes, how could you hit that so fast?  
  
Magus: Uh, I know some good spots to camp?  
  
Vivec: Impossible, we nerfed them all!  
  
Magus: Alright alright, if you hold down CTRL+ALT+ESC+X+Y and select a guest it automatically gives you the xp for interviewing him.  
  
Vivec: Intentional exploitation is a bannable offense!  
  
Magus: So what? This interview sucks anyways.  
Vivec: Grrr...  
  
MAGUS has gone LINKDEAD  
  
  
*at Queynos*  
  
Jon: HEY CAN ANYONE HLP ME CR???!1111  
  
  
*fin* 


End file.
